01/09/2026
🚨 BREAKING NEWS FROM THE HOUSE OF TED 🚨
Following the suspicious deaths of Lamb Chop I and Sir Loin of Lamb II, their grieving families have retained attorneys and launched a multimillion-rand wrongful-death lawsuit against one Theodore Golden Retriever.
Both previous victims suffered catastrophic injuries while in Ted’s care. Ted has consistently denied wrongdoing, despite being found at both crime scenes with wool in his mouth.
Detectives have now reopened both cases and forensic investigators are reviewing the remains.
Meanwhile, amid heightened security, we introduce the newest member of the dynasty:
🎩🐑 Sir Wooliam Chopsworth III
Sir Wooliam is advertised as virtually indestructible.
His legal team has strongly advised him not to rely on this.
Ted remains a person of interest and is believed to be assisting police with their enquiries.
Sir Wooliam is currently alive, intact and nervously reviewing his life choices.
Updates to follow as this investigation unfolds.
