LOZcal News Network

LOZcal News Network Your #3 source for the Lake of the Ozarks news, dock gossip, and totally made-up headlines. 100% satire. 0% wake zone. Instagram: LOZcalNews
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🕰️ THROWBACK THURSDAY🐍💰Burmese Python Den Discovered Near Lake; Officials Offer Reward for Verified SightingsLAKE OF THE...
09/03/2026

🕰️ THROWBACK THURSDAY

🐍💰Burmese Python Den Discovered Near Lake; Officials Offer Reward for Verified Sightings

LAKE OF THE OZARKS — Missouri conservation officers confirmed this week that a den of non-native Burmese pythons was discovered in a wooded area near the lake. Biologists say the animals pose a potential risk to local wildlife and pet safety if left unchecked. The Department of Conservation is urging residents to assist in eradicating these snakes.

Officials announced a modest reward of $31.38 for verified tips that lead to the capture. Residents with photos, video, or precise GPS locations will not be rewarded. They are asking that these snakes be wrangled and brought in clear bags to their nearest city hall.

🕰️THROWBACK THURSDAY⛽ “Not-Quite Buc-ee’s” Coming to the Lake: Meet Platypus Pete’sOSAGE BEACH, MO — After years of rumo...
08/27/2026

🕰️THROWBACK THURSDAY

⛽ “Not-Quite Buc-ee’s” Coming to the Lake: Meet Platypus Pete’s

OSAGE BEACH, MO — After years of rumors about Buc-ee’s “finally coming to the Lake,” a group of locals has decided to take matters into their own hands — unveiling Platypus Pete’s, a homegrown knockoff of the Texas mega stop.

The new 83-pump station promises “the same energy, none of the lawsuits,” offering platypus-themed sandwiches, boutique lake-life gifts, and snacks like Platypus Meat Jerky and Quackin’ Chips. One investor said, “If Buc-ee’s won’t come to the Lake, we’ll build the next best thing — and make it even weirder.”

We’ll be back soon. In the meantime, enjoy a few throwbacks while our staff attempts to remember what life outside Faceb...
08/26/2026

We’ll be back soon. In the meantime, enjoy a few throwbacks while our staff attempts to remember what life outside Facebook looks like. 🐊

PRESSURE MOUNTS TO RENAME LAKE OF THE OZARKS “LAKE OF CENTRAL MISSOURI”; OTHER OZARK LAKES SAY WE’VE HOGGED THE NAME LON...
08/25/2026

PRESSURE MOUNTS TO RENAME LAKE OF THE OZARKS “LAKE OF CENTRAL MISSOURI”; OTHER OZARK LAKES SAY WE’VE HOGGED THE NAME LONG ENOUGH

A growing coalition of allegedly irritated lake communities across the Ozarks is calling for Lake of the Ozarks to give up its name, arguing there are plenty of other perfectly legitimate lakes in the Ozarks that have somehow managed to survive without claiming the entire region. Organizers say the current name creates the impression that Missouri’s most famous lake is the official lake of the Ozarks, while everybody else apparently just has “a lake located somewhere in the Ozarks.”

Under one proposed compromise, the lake would officially become Lake of Central Missouri, allowing the phrase “of the Ozarks” to return to the public domain. Local businesses have strongly opposed the idea after realizing approximately 14 million signs, shirts, koozies, boat decals and real estate listings would immediately become outdated.

PETITION CALLS FOR LAKE OF THE OZARKS TO BE DRAINED SO OLD LINN CREEK CAN RE-EMERGE; AMEREN PROMISES TO “DO ITS BEST” NO...
08/24/2026

PETITION CALLS FOR LAKE OF THE OZARKS TO BE DRAINED SO OLD LINN CREEK CAN RE-EMERGE; AMEREN PROMISES TO “DO ITS BEST” NOT TO FLOOD CURRENT LINN CREEK WHEN REFILLING

A petition gaining traction around the Lake of the Ozarks is calling for the entire lake to be temporarily drained so Old Linn Creek can re-emerge for the first time in generations. Supporters say residents deserve a chance to walk the old streets, explore what remains, and finally settle several decades-old arguments about where everything used to be.

The biggest concern is what happens when officials put the lake back. Ameren has reportedly promised to “do its best” to refill Lake of the Ozarks without accidentally flooding current Linn Creek, adding that modern maps should significantly improve the odds.

CAMDEN COUNTY WOMAN ORGANIZES PROTEST AGAINST AI DATA CENTERS; WILL FIRST HOST AI WORKSHOP TO HELP PROTESTERS MAKE BETTE...
08/23/2026

CAMDEN COUNTY WOMAN ORGANIZES PROTEST AGAINST AI DATA CENTERS; WILL FIRST HOST AI WORKSHOP TO HELP PROTESTERS MAKE BETTER SIGNS

A concerned Camden County resident is reportedly organizing a grassroots protest against proposed AI data centers, citing concerns about electricity use, water consumption, and the growing influence of artificial intelligence. However, organizers say attendees are strongly encouraged to first attend a free workshop titled “Using AI to Effectively Protest AI.”

The class will reportedly cover prompt writing, AI-generated protest graphics, catchy slogans, flyer design, and how to make a Facebook event cover “that actually gets people’s attention.” Organizers emphasized that using AI to oppose AI is completely different because, according to one attendee, “we’re using it responsibly.”

BREAKING: TWISTED TONY’S UNVEILS NEW “HAND-TWISTED” SANDWICH OPTION; CUSTOMERS CAN NOW REQUEST THEIR ENTIRE SANDWICH BE ...
08/23/2026

BREAKING: TWISTED TONY’S UNVEILS NEW “HAND-TWISTED” SANDWICH OPTION; CUSTOMERS CAN NOW REQUEST THEIR ENTIRE SANDWICH BE PHYSICALLY TWISTED BEFORE SERVING

Twisted Tony’s is reportedly taking its name more seriously with a new premium option allowing customers to have their finished sandwich personally twisted by hand before it hits the basket. Sources say the process adds absolutely nothing to the flavor, structural integrity, or overall dining experience, but “people seem pretty excited about it.”

Early testing has reportedly gone well, although engineers remain concerned about meat slippage and what employees are calling “catastrophic pickle displacement.” Management has not confirmed whether double-twisting will cost extra.

🤡 🎤NEW MUSIC GROUP EMERGES FROM GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS; “REASONABLE CLOWN BRIGADE” PROMISES MORE MODERATE CLOWNINGMAC...
08/22/2026

🤡 🎤NEW MUSIC GROUP EMERGES FROM GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS; “REASONABLE CLOWN BRIGADE” PROMISES MORE MODERATE CLOWNING

MACKS CREEK — A new musical act reportedly formed following several days of fellowship at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Calling themselves the Reasonable Clown Brigade, the group says it hopes to bring a calmer, more practical approach to the clown-based music industry.

Sources say the Brigade still supports face paint and Faygo, but members reportedly believe soda should be consumed responsibly, quiet hours should begin around 10:30, and everybody should “just clean up their campsite before they leave.” Their debut single, “Maybe We Should Hear Both Sides, Whoop Whoop,” is expected sometime after everyone gets home and catches up on laundry.

LAKE OF THE OZARKS CONSIDERS INSTALLING GIANT FANS TO COOL LAKE DURING AUGUST HEATOfficials say several locations are be...
08/22/2026

LAKE OF THE OZARKS CONSIDERS INSTALLING GIANT FANS TO COOL LAKE DURING AUGUST HEAT

Officials say several locations are being considered, with preliminary plans calling for the turbines to be pointed directly at the water and placed on “high” whenever the lake gets uncomfortably warm.

Engineers remain divided on whether the plan would actually lower water temperatures, but supporters say it would at least give everyone something new to complain about besides wake boats.

⛳️FORGOTTEN $29 GOLF COURSE BILLBOARD UNCOVERED; AREA COURSES REPORTEDLY DEMAND IT BE COVERED BACK UPLAKE OF THE OZARKS ...
08/21/2026

⛳️FORGOTTEN $29 GOLF COURSE BILLBOARD UNCOVERED; AREA COURSES REPORTEDLY DEMAND IT BE COVERED BACK UP

LAKE OF THE OZARKS — A long-forgotten roadside billboard advertising $29 golf has recently emerged from behind years of overgrowth, immediately sparking rumors that an old Lake-area golf course may be preparing to reopen — possibly with its original prices.

The discovery has reportedly caused concern among competing courses, where officials fear golfers could begin asking dangerous questions such as, “Why am I paying $140?” Sources say several courses have offered to personally replant the trees in front of the billboard, while others insist $29 golf is an outdated concept that could destabilize the entire Lake economy.

LNN has been unable to confirm whether the course is actually reopening. We can confirm, however, that $29 has everybody’s attention.

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